The Imposition of Change

 

I’ve never been one to resist change. I’ve always looked at it as an opportunity to grow and try new things. But when Zane died, I no longer embraced it.

 

Prior to my pregnancy, I had left teaching to go on the road for a year with my husband and two-year-old son. I fully expected to return to the profession once the road trip ended. Zane’s birth, diagnosis, and care altered that plan completely. I couldn’t teach full-time and take care of two young boys, especially one with developmental and medical needs. But I was all right with that. I accepted that change. I built my life around being a mom and picking up jobs as opportunities arose.

 

When we moved from Colorado back to Arizona, I started working in the schools as an instructional assistant, so that I could be near the boys and follow their schedules. I became a part-time (and eventually full-time) IA, mom, chauffer, CNA, organizer of schedules, along with all the other roles a woman takes on. I did that for 7 years. Then Zane died, and it threw my world into a dark void. His death was a huge blow for all the reasons losing a child becomes a horrific change, but it also upended my purpose in life. I relished being a mom and caretaker. Now so much of that was taken away. At 50, I had to start all over again—reinvent myself. And, let me tell you, it’s not been easy.

 

My life now isn’t the story I would have written for myself, given free reign. If someone had told me in my youth that I’d become a bereaved mom, a cancer survivor, a real estate agent, and a struggling writer, I would have closed my eyes and considered giving up. And yet, so much of it I wouldn’t have changed. Being Zane’s mom (and mom to my older son) has been the greatest gift of my life. I always say I must have done something amazing in a previous life to have my two boys in this one. But going through all of these challenges and obstacles has definitely made me stronger. It’s made me bolder, helped me set better boundaries with people. Sure, it’s happened later in life than I would have liked, but it has happened. I feel comfortable saying no to people, freeing myself of obligations I was raised to believe I owed to people, saying yes to myself and what I want. And always—always—carrying Zane with me while I do these things. He’s part of the reason I’m strong today and more empowered to advocate for myself. My older son has also taught me to be better, more courageous. In fact, he’s the one who encouraged me to shift my career to real estate.

 

So many of the changes in my recent life have been imposed on me. I didn’t ask for any of this, but here I am. It’s up to me to make of it what I can, to use my new circumstances to be a better person, a better me. After all, that’s what Zane would want. I know it’s what my older son wants for me, as well. It’s definitely what I’m trying to do—moment by moment, day by day, and now year by year.