Where Have You Been?

If you’re reading this, you’re likely thinking just that: Where have you been? The last time I posted was on October 24th, 2021. It’s the same time I embarked on a “new life” for myself when became a licensed real estate agent. I had spent a year and a half in a fog after my thirteen-year-old son Zane’s death, and there is so much of that time that I don’t remember. 

He died early in 2020. I took a leave of absence from my job as an instructional assistant because I worked in the same school (and often the same classroom) where he attended. Ultimately I decided I couldn’t return to the space he no longer inhabited, so I resigned. Then, a week later, the pandemic struck. 

In July of 2020, I was diagnosed with invasive breast cancer. This would be my third time dealing with it. However, it was more serious this time around. I was shocked. Further devastated. Because the medical profession was overwhelmed at the start of the pandemic (and beyond), I had to wait 6 months before I could undergo surgery. It felt like an alternate reality. Then, in the same month I found out about the cancer, my older son had major surgery that hospitalized him for 5 days. 

At that point, it took me the next year to find my bearings. I enrolled in real estate school (thinking it would be a good way to earn a decent living). I passed the school and state exams on the first try, but struggled to find clients for the first seven months. A year after getting licensed, I took the advice of a fellow agent and joined a team. However, it turns out that not only is RE a numbers game, it’s also a game of luck. I’ve been pretty unlucky with the leads that have come my way. 

Life has not been easy. There are many times I wonder what the hell I’m still doing here. In his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, David Kessler says, “Ultimately, meaning comes through finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you’re moving forward with your life.” It’s what I believe I should do. It’s what will provide meaning to my own life. 

I have a project underway that is meant to keep Zane’s light alive. But as far as my own light, it’s a day to day (sometimes moment to moment) trial. Some days, I feel accomplished if I simply get up, make my bed, and read a few pages of a book. Other days, it’s more. After three years, I’ve given myself permission to expand a little; stretch my wings. 

There’s no right or wrong way to do grief. Your way is the right way for you. I’ve decided to dedicate time to this blog (and my writing as a whole) rather than make real estate the dominating factor in my life. Zane wouldn’t have wanted that. I know I don’t. Especially given how challenging it’s been. 

So I’ve created a schedule, which may flex with time. 

Mondays: Grief and Coping. I’ll touch on topics related to the grieving process and what I’ve learned over the last 3+ years of living without my younger son. 

Wednesdays: #WalkbackWednesday. One of the things I love to do is talk about and share Zane with the world. I used to have a blog just for him. I think this might be a good place to keep his light shimmering and bright. 

Fridays: Call It A Day. A time to check in on how the week has been going through the grief process, which (by the way) I don’t believe ever ends. It may be a place to share what I’ve learned, what was hard, or what went right. 

I invite you to go on this journey with me, no matter what your loss may be. If you’re grieving the loss of a loved one (especially a child, or especially-especially a child with special needs), please know you’re not alone.