Back from Hiatus


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I've been thinking about this blog a lot lately, wondering why I abandoned it ten months ago. At first, I think it was because I didn't believe I had anything worthwhile to share. I also thought I was coping well with my grief during the first year after losing Zane. Plus, I hadn't yet undergone bilateral mastectomy, so my mind was wrapped up with that. 

So, yes--that's part of it. 

Also...a lot has happened in ten months. In that time, I've made myself so busy that I didn't want to make space for this blog because it meant viewing grief under a lens. See, the busier I am, the less I have to deal with the pain of loss (primarily over my son, but also over my breasts and the life I new before invasive cancer and cancer treatment). 

Here's what I've filled my life with to avoid the pain:

  • Writing (multiple projects)
  • Exercise (including an obsessive need to swim)
  • Gardening
  • Meditation
  • A new business venture (more on this later)
  • Reading (I've already read 93 books this year)
  • Time with family & friends (mostly with my older son)
  • Walking the dog
  • Real estate school
  • Appointments
  • Chores/errands
  • Piano playing
  • A project that will pay tribute to Zane (more on this later, too)
  • Rock painting
  • And my newest venture: comic drawing
Whew! It makes me tired just reading the list. 

Several months ago, I started grief counseling. I didn't believe I needed it until loss slammed into me around 15 months out from Zane's death. I woke up having panic attacks, terrorized by the realization that he's gone. I had dark thoughts. So I reached out for help. My counselor told me I needed to do the grief work. She didn't think all this busy-ness was healthy (although she agreed some of it was). I only started to really listen and implement her suggestion (which was really more of a demand) a few weeks ago. Now I spend more time crying--in bed at night; in the pool; outside of where others can see me. 

So here I am. 

I want to make More Than A Chapter a space to share my grief--over loss of a child and losses that come with cancer. I want to share how I cope, hope I don't cope, and express my fears and perhaps triumphs along the way. 

I hope you'll rejoin me and forgive me for my absence. 

Thanks for being here. 

Susan 

Comments

  1. CindyAugust 23, 2021 at 10:22 AM

    So glad to hear from you again. Seems like you are making progress in your grieving process which can be difficult. Thanks for sharing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SusanAugust 23, 2021 at 12:45 PM

      Thank you for reading and commenting, Cindy. I know grieving will be a lifetime process. It makes it easier with supportive friends and a counselor <3

      Delete
  2. 5-10 SallyAugust 23, 2021 at 2:59 PM

    I'm glad you are back Susan. You cross my mind more than you'll know because I'm pretty bad at staying in touch. Soon it will be bird watching season again, and if you have time to go out looking at birds, I'd love to spend some time with you that way. Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SusanAugust 23, 2021 at 4:13 PM

      I was just thinking of you...and bird watching. I probably should add it to my list :-) It will be nice when the temperatures cool down, and we can spot some new birds. Hugs back to you.

      Delete
  3. frizzle_frazzleAugust 25, 2021 at 9:38 AM

    Love you! Grief is a very odd thing. It seems to come in waves. Some are small, some big and some are tsunamis. I think it's good to feel our feelings. Honor them. Give them a nod, "hey there. I see you." Feel. Whatever you feel is ok. Mad, happy, sad, confused, scared, hopeful, despondent, silly, free, trapped and round and back again. Feel it all. Then tell it, "thanks. And now I am tossing you over my shoulder and moving forward." Forward. Love you pal. You ARE the best mom I know. Always and forever.

    ReplyDelete

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