New Plan

I have a new plan. 

After my first consultation with my breast surgeon, I was steered in the direction of having a lumpectomy with radiation. She's an amazing surgeon, but she's also a huge proponent of breast conservation surgery. Sometimes she will turn patients away when they say they want mastectomy that she believes is overkill. 

Because I was still thinking lumpectomy, I saw the radiation oncologist and had a plan in place. I had my genetics checked, too. Negative for BRCA. But something niggled away inside me. Some internal voice told me I should really have a double mastectomy. 

I've now had cancer three times total (now in both breasts). The lumpectomy/radiation deal does not take care of the issue as a whole. So I talked to a friend who had a double mastectomy (no regrets for her), weighed the pros and cons, and sat with it for a while. Lumpectomy was scheduled for September 25th. I contacted my surgeon a week before and changed my mind. 

She and I talked on the phone. 

She said, "Tell me why you want a double mastectomy."

"Because I don't want to go through diagnostic mammograms and biopsies again. I've already had 2 ultrasounds, 2 mammograms, and a biopsy in a month. I also want it because my breasts are dense and can hide cancer. And I have a lot of pain from the cysts all the time."

She said, "You know what? I'm looking at your latest mammogram, and your tissue is exceptionally dense. I agree. I think you should have a double mastectomy."

However, the plastics surgeon I want is booked until mid November for consults. Her surgery schedule isn't open until January. So I have to wait. In the meantime, I've seen medical oncology. As I figured, they are okay with waiting on surgery as long as I go through bridging therapy. Right now, that means starting Tamoxifen. They're also going to run an oncotype score on my biopsy sample to see if I need neoadjuvant chemo. I haven't heard to the results of that test yet. However, I've been on Tamoxifen for 3 weeks so far. Last time I tried it in 2016, the side effects were horrific. I went off after 11 days because my older son said he didn't like me the way I was (I cried when my grocery list tore inside the Fry's while I was shopping with him). 

This time, the side effects are already noticeable (hot flashes and fatigue being the most prominent). But life is different than it was in 2016. Back then, I was working 30 hours a week and taking care of Z full time while also raising J. I was under incredible stress. Plus, I was already opposed to being on Tamoxifen. It is a nasty drug with some serious, possible side effects. We'll see how long I last with it this time around. Women prescribed Tamoxifen must take it for a 5-10 years in order for it to be effective.  

I often wonder if all this is worth it. And the one thing (or person) I keep coming back to is my older son. I do it for him. I want to be around if he needs me. I also want to show him how to persevere in the face of adversity--just like his little brother did. But I also do it a little bit for me. I want to see him succeed at music, get his first car, fall in love. All that good stuff. 

But sometimes it's really hard. I miss my kiddo. So much. I want to see him again. Losing a child is far worse than having cancer. Would it really be so bad if I died? These are thoughts that run through my head. I think they're legitimate. 

I get super down when things aren't going well with my writing, too. I feel as though I've worked so hard for so many years for so little. Other people around me are finding success, and here I sit. Pedaling in place, it seems. I guess that's where meditation comes in handy: reminding me to appreciate the moment. But it's hard when you're a grieving mom who's sick and has no income because she resigned from her job a week before pandemic layoffs. 

But, that said, I do appreciate the moment. I love that my son comes to me with conversation and friendly debate. I am filled with joy when he shares personal issues with me. I cherish spending time with him, even though it's a lot less than we used to spend together. It's understandable, though. He's 16. I also appreciate the flowers I plant, the act of writing, and my younger son's dog (who is now my older son's dog). I appreciate how hard my husband works to provide for us; to make sure we have good insurance coverage. Goodness know, we need it. And I appreciate all my memories of my younger kiddo. And sometimes, when I'm especially lucky, he'll grace me with his presence. I can feel him near me. It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's amazing.